“So…what’s going on in your life?”

That question is so innocent, right? For the most part you’re right, it is an innocent question, until its not. Usually for me I tell the person about what’s been going on with classes and when I finish they look at me and go “but no one new?” or “have you met anyone recently?” Now, we’ve all gotten this question, or variations on this question and almost always the answer is no. No, sorry, I don’t have time for a social life with physics and organic chemistry taking up all my time. No, I just haven’t found anyone I like. No, I’m not really looking to be in a relationship right now. All of these are probably my easiest replies, only they aren’t entirely true.

Yes, I have met someone. Actually, I met someone awhile ago. We’ve been talking and hanging out non stop. We started out as just friends, actually we’re still just friends. I’ve been flirting with him for like 3 months now? So either he’s oblivious or I’m really out of practice. I like being his friend; in fact, this is the first crush I’ve had where it doesn’t hurt to say we’re just friends. I’m not sure I can handle more than that right now, but its nice to have that feeling again. Whenever my phone buzzes and its a message from him I can’t help but smile just a little bit, I know that’s the reaction of middle school crushes but I just can’t help it. I know what all my friends would say, why don’t you tell him? Well, in truth, I’m a coward.

What if I take this really great friendship and try and turn it into something it wasn’t meant to be? I’ve done that before and it made me lose my best friend. Or, what if I already know his answer and I just don’t want to hear it out loud? What if what I’m thinking is a crush is nothing more than admiration and I act on it only to find out he feels the way I think I feel and then down the road that feeling fades and I lose another really good friend? He talks about how he doesn’t have time for a relationship like that, how he just doesn’t want to say he’ll commit to someone and then never be around. I get what he means, but from the amount of time we spend together we’re practically in one of those friendships where you think the two people are dating but in reality they just spend all their time together.

So, just for a little while longer, is it okay for me to amend my easy reply? No, I just haven’t had the courage to like the person I found.

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Pictures Lie

Okay, so I’ve already written about this guy twice, but I was going through my room throwing things out and I found my senior prom photos and in them we’re smiling, we’re laughing. It looks like we’re having the time of our lives, and in that moment in front of the camera, we were. For the rest of that evening, lets just say it was a different story.

Senior prom had some kind of ocean theme to it, so I found this beautiful  ocean blue  ombre gown that I paired with natural ocean pearl jewelry (you know, the pearls that aren’t all perfectly round and polished).  Putting that dress on and looking in the mirror, I almost felt like a Greek goddess, for the first time in my life there I felt beautiful. I wanted this night to be perfect since most of senior year had been hell, and for a time it was. Unlike every other dance we had gone to, AR and I planned to have dinner just the two of us. We went to this little Italian restaurant and it was almost like old times. He was focused on me, we talked, we laughed and joked around, for a moment I felt like everything was going to be okay between us. The way he looked at me, it was almost like he was seeing me for the first time. The way he looked at me, I couldn’t help but think that maybe we could fix this, maybe we could make us work out. But when we got to the dance…I was wrong.

As soon as we got there he wanted to find his friends, I mean normally that shouldn’t be a problem. Spending time with your significant other’s friends is normal, it’s just something that comes along with the relationship. Only, AR’s friends always took his attention. We found his group and immediately he became absorbed into their conversation and I, I was just an after thought. He never really looked at me when he was with his friends, not the way he did when we were alone. We didn’t dance as much as we did at junior prom, we didn’t even talk as much as we did at junior prom. Most of the night was spent with him talking with his friends and me talking with mine. One of my friends, AS talked us into going to the photo both with her and her boyfriend. AR grabbed my hand, he seemed eager to take a picture with me, happy even. In that moment in front of the camera, I was happy too. Just long enough for the pictures to be taken. After, I put on a mask. A fake smile to fool them all. By the end of the evening…after being ignored for most of it…I kinda knew that whatever we had, whatever we had felt something was wrong and there wasn’t going to be a way to fix it.

They had a photo booth at the after party as well, and this time standing in front of the camera made me want to cry. He was goofing around with me, smiling and having a great time and I could make myself do the same. I could smile but the feeling that are suppose to be behind that expression wouldn’t surface, not anymore. After the pictures he told me he loved me, and all I could do was smile. I couldn’t say the same, why did he have to say it? Why was he so happy with me when I felt like I was losing everything? Why was it that when it was just the two of us everything seemed perfect but as soon as his friends came around it was like I was invisible?

A couple days ago was national best friends day. Everyone was posting pictures talking about memories with their best friends, even AR posted pictures. I wasn’t in them because I’m not his best friend, not anymore. I’m no ones best friend, there’s no one that will post a picture of me and talk about how they couldn’t imagine having a better friend, there’s no one that thinks of me that way, is there? I’ve been in plenty of people’s pictures but I always try to avoid the camera. I never really told anyone why, but it’s mostly because when I look at them I don’t see memories. All I see is how, in that moment, that smile was a lie, that picture is a lie.

The Setup

Okay, so now we are to my most recent failed relationship. I am going to try and be as polite about this as I can because I’m still a bit bitter about this one. I mean, I really liked the guy, loved even, and he broke my heart so.

Anywho this is the story of JS. Now, my university has a tradition the night before every home football game. Its called midnight yell, basically think of a pep rally, but on steroids. So, naturally I had gone to every midnight yell my freshmen year and another one was coming up so I asked my friend if she would go with me since it’s not something you really go to by yourself. She however had plans with her boyfriend so she gave me the number of a friend who was wanting to go to midnight yell but was like me, he had no one to go with. Originally I was skeptical about texting him because I mean, I hate new people and it’s a little embarrassing texting a guy you’ve never met before to ask him to go to  something like this. However, I was desperate to have someone go to midnight yell with me so I texted him. Basically our conversation went like this (don’t quote me, I don’t remember the exact words):

Me: Hey, this is A’s friend. She said you were looking for someone to go to midnight yell with. I’m going tonight if you want to go together.”

JS: Cool! When and where should we meet up?

Yeah, basically that was it, we made arrangements to meet up, I told him what I would be wearing so he could easily find me and we went to midnight yell together. Of course you arrive like 30 minutes early to get a good seat so I figured we had about 30 minutes of awkward silence, only it wasn’t awkward. Talking with him seem so natural, almost like we’d known each other for our whole lives (cliche, I know). We talked about our interests and random stuff you normally talk about when you meet a new person and when midnight came around and all the lights in Kyle field went out I did something completely unlike me, I mugged down with a total stranger. (Okay, mugging down is at the end of midnight yell, the lights go out you kiss your date or you hold up a light and find a date) I’ve never done that before, I haven’t done it since then either. After midnight yell was over, like a gentlemen he walked me back to my dorm where we sat and talked until 2 am. He asked if he could see me again and I said yes, and actually, we saw each other 2 days latter.

Our first official date was perfect. We went to a park and walked around for awhile talking, and then we laid down in the grass and just stared at the stars. It was one of those first dates that you see in movies or read about in books but never actually happens. Yeah, I had one of those. It didn’t take very long before we started actually dating and for the first time in about 2 or 3 years I was really happy. JS’ birthday falls right before halloween and he told me how he and his family always carved pumpkins on that day, so since he seemed a little down about not getting to do that with his family, I took him to a pumpkin patch and let him pick out his very own pumpkin and we carved it together. Hi gift however was tickets to STX comic-con and I let him decide what we were going to cosplay as: arrow and black canary.

We only dated for three months. The first time he told me he loved me we were sitting in his car at a red light and he said something to tease me so I started poking him and tickling him and he kinda just shouted “Stop, I love you!” and all I could do was freeze. He loved me, that was the first time I guy had said it to me and I knew he meant it. In that moment I knew I loved him too, but I was to surprised to say anything so he pretended like it was nothing, he lied and told me it was something he said to his siblings to get them to stop. Everything sounds perfect right? I thought so too, only I was wrong. We got into fights, little fights, things that could be easily fixed by talking things out. I thought that was what we were doing. He however was not talking his issues out. No, he hide anything he thought was wrong for me and then over winter break, he called and ended things.

I was heartbroken, mostly because I never saw it coming. I thought everything was perfect, I thought that maybe I had found the one. Well, I found a one, just not my one. On that phone call he told me we broke up for several reasons: 1) we had problems communication, 2) I didn’t share his interests, 3) he needed to focus on school. Well, 1) I was working on it, I told him I had problems expressing my feelings but I was working on it, he however wasn’t. Instead of talking out our problems and trying to fix what was wrong he decided to leave. 2)I didn’t share his interests? We played the same games, watched similar shows, we always had something to talk about. I made him a birthday present that was made up of a bunch of his favorite things (arrow keychain, RWBY tshirt, a dragonfly paperweight I made him to go with his patronus).Okay, so maybe I wasn’t a big fan of RWBY, but just because I don’t like one thing you do we should break up? 3) I get you have to focus on school, I need to as well. I was willing to spend less time together so that we could study for tests. Hell, I would have helped him study if he wanted so saying you need to focus on school is bullshit.

Recently I found out those reasons were a lie. I was affecting his mental health so he had to end it. He could have told me. I know I suck at communicating things, I know I can be a bitch sometimes. I can be stubborn and difficult. I’m working on it. We went to fast. We went way too fast, we should have slowed down, talked more at the beginning maybe. We burned to quickly and fizzled out just as fast. I know they say you’re suppose to work on yourself before you date someone, and they’re partially right. He had past relationship issues that played into ours. However, some of our issues we could have worked on together. I’m not saying I want him back. At this point I don’t really have any feelings left for him. All I can say is he should have talked to me. How is a person suppose to learn from a relationship and become a better person if you never tell them the truth. If no one ever told me I was a shitty girlfriend how am I ever going to be in a successful relationship? Least I know now that dating someone so similar to me is a bad idea.

Round 2: Proof I’m An Idiot

Okay, so I already have one post about TJ. This is my second post. Now, I first dated TJ in 8th grade and it went fairly well. The second time I dated him it was my freshmen year in college, it was pretty bad. So, how did this happen?

Well, during the first Gig’em week (the first week on campus before classes start) TJ snapchatted me and asked if I wanted to get coffee, being the idiot that I am, I said yes. So he picked me up from my dorm and we went to one of my favorite coffee shops, I originally assumed we were meeting up as friends and just catching up for old times sake…I was wrong. We got to the coffee shop and we got up to order, I was fully intending to pay for my own drink so I was going to order a coffee shake thing which is like $4.25, not to bad. No, TJ insists on paying for me so I order my drink and you know what he says? “Wow, picking a pricey drink, huh?” Well sorry, I didn’t want you to pay for me anyway; I didn’t say that however and instead just kinda brushed it off. We sat down and started talking and I got caught up in the whole reminiscing about a past boyfriend, the sweet, innocent teddy bear I had my first kiss with. Don’t be fooled people, you broke up for a reason, time isn’t going to make the relationship any better.

Anyway, we talked for a good 3 hours and then he took me back to my dorm. We continued to see each other, going on dates and such and eventually he asked me out and since I couldn’t get my head out of the past I said yes. Well, round two with TJ lasted all of like three weeks, maybe four. As we kept seeing each other and talking to each other I quickly learned he was definitely not the innocent guy I use to know. No, TJ is now a pothead, like a major smokes all the time pothead. He started telling me about how he goes out to parks in town and collects mushrooms and dries them and sells them so that he can have some money to buy more weed. Now, I have never done anything illegal in my life. I’ve never drinken under age, I’ve never taken any form of drug that was not prescribed to me, I’ve never even gone over the speed limit. I mean, I’m a forensics major, I’m doing everything in my power to stay on the right side of the law so some day I can help enforce that law…and here I am dating a guy who doesn’t give a damn about that law. He straight up told me he was high while driving and he got into a wreck and told his parents and the insurance company another driver ran him off the road.

In all technicalities he broke up with me because he “didn’t have time to be in a relationship,” however I asked to talk to him because I was going to break up with him only he beat me to the punch so. Now I can say neither innocent or crazy TJ wanted me, but I didn’t really want them either.

The Best Friend…Again

So, you know how you’re suppose to learn from the past or learn from your mistakes? Yeah well, turns out I’m really bad at that so. AR and I started dating again in 10th grade. Everything was fine for awhile. We were having fun, we were acting like a normal couple, a happy couple. Until I found out AR and L were still friends. I got jealous again, but I was learning to get over it. I trusted him, more than anyone. I knew my best friend would never do anything to hurt me. But he did, not intentionally of course, but he hurt me.

I loved spending time with him at first, it didn’t even matter if we were talking, we could just be sitting there in perfect silence and I was happy. Then it got to the point where we would only ever spend time at school together, with his friends and that was fine. They didn’t talk much to me or listen when I talked to them, but AR talked to me and tried to include me in things…for awhile. By the time senior year came around we were together but not really. I would go and sit with him and his friends in the morning and no one would talk to me, even AR wouldn’t really talk to me. Don’t get me wrong, I would try and talk to them, to him, but no one would listen. I was being excluded and it hurt. I know he never meant to do it intentionally, but he still did it. By senior year of high school I was really depressed, and I took it out on him. I was angry or upset with him all the time and I never knew why. I was annoyed that he never got angry with me, I was angry that he stopped telling me things that were going on in his life, I was hurt that he stopped smiling when he was around me, that he stopped laughing around me.

I withdrew into myself and away from him, but our relationship failing wasn’t all his fault. The feeling of your best friend, your boyfriend, not wanting to be around you anymore is a terrible feeling. Even if it wasn’t true, it’s all I could ever think about. Everyday I would look in the mirror and all I could see was a person who no one want, who no one cared about. I tried to hurt myself several times, I just wanted everything to stop, I wanted to go back to when we were friends, back to when we were both happy and I knew at least one person on this planet cared if I was still on it. I wanted everything to be the way it was so bad, I stopped doing things that made us a couple. I wouldn’t kiss him, I wouldn’t hold his hand or hug him. I wanted him to notice something was wrong…but he didn’t, or if he did he never said anything.

Don’t get me wrong, our relationship had some good moments, like junior prom. That’s one of my happiest memories of high school, dancing with my best friend, seeing the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, hearing him laugh when I 11146347_844816632256396_7983217883014002204_otripped over my floor-length dress. I still have the Animal Crossing present he used to ask me to prom, I just can’t seem to part with it. Or sophomore year, when my grandfather passed away. AR was the first person I told, and he was the only one I cried in front of. He walked with me to all of my teachers before school when I had to ask them to take finals early because I had to go to a funeral. Or going to comic-con as Link and Princess Zelda, he knew I hated standing in front of people but somehow he convinced me to enter the costume contest with him and we actually won best homemade costumes. I was so embarrassed but he still managed to make it fun.

I know I suck at communicating my feelings with people, I shut down and I shut him out. That’s my fault, but he didn’t communicate with me either. He never told me if anything was ever bothering him. We stopped talking for awhile after it ended. We’re getting better now, but things still aren’t back to normal. In all honesty I don’t think they’ll ever be back to normal. I wish they could be, I miss my friend.

The Other Guy

I met CS at a church lock-in the summer before 9th grade. We became really good friends, so much so that when AR and I had a fight I turned to him for help. What I should have realized is that he liked me. I mean, I realized that eventually since we started dating after I broke up with AR, and we dated, I don’t remember exactly how long but it was for part of the spring semester of 9th grade and then I think we broke up the first couple weeks into 10th grade because I know he broke up with me while I was watching an Aggie football game with a bunch of my brothers friends. Talk about a crappy time to be broken up with, you want to cry because a relationship, a friendship, just ended but you can’t because you’re surrounded by people you barely know.

This was the second time I dated a friend, you would think after the first time I would have learned that dating friends is not the best idea but obviously not. After CS and I broke up, he kinda spiraled out of control and started drinking and doing drugs. I can’t help but wonder if any of that was partially my fault. I tried to help, I really did. I offered to be someone he could talk to or to find him someone else he could talk to but he only ever cussed me out or asked me to help by sending nude photos. After 4 years he’s gotten better. We’re sorta friends again though I’m afraid he might still have feelings for me. I’m not someone anyone should have feelings for, not yet.

The Best Friend…

So, I told you in the last post that I was in love with my best friend, AR. Well, in 9th grade we actually started dating. I think the way it started was kinda cute. I was upset about not getting to go to homecoming with someone and I told AR that the person I really wanted to ask me hadn’t asked anyone yet but I didn’t think he’d ever want to go with me he asked who it was and I told him…and he kinda went quiet for a moment and said he was wanting to ask me but didn’t think I’d say yes to going with a friend. I kinda blushed I don’t remember why but we both ended up confessing to each other and going out. All of our friends were kinda shocked, some were happy for us and others didn’t really approve. AR decided that he still needed to ask me in a normal way like most people do so he put a single red rose with a black ribbon tied to it on my desk with a note that said “Will you go to homecoming with me? -A”. It was so cute, mostly because no one had ever done anything like that for me before and also because he used something from my favorite movie to ask me to a stupid school dance. Well, homecoming came around and I decided that’s when I was going to kiss AR. In 8th grade I got bored and made these things called “decision dollars” so every time someone did something good I gave them one and they could redeem them for candy and stuff and I jokingly told everyone if they got 100 they could redeem it for a kiss. So, 9th grade homecoming rolls around and I decided it would be cute if I gave him 100 decision dollars and asked if I could redeem them. He loved it, and it was probably one of the best memories I have of us that I didn’t screw up. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but like most of my relationships it didn’t work. We dated the whole fall semester and part of the spring semester and then broke up because I got angry with him and decided it wasn’t worth it. The first time we broke up it was my fault, I was jealous and he didn’t deserve that. He never deserved it.

You see, AR was friends with this one girl L. Well, L was dating two guys at once (I knew this for a fact, I had seen it with my own eyes), one of whom was a mutual friend. I found out that while L was dating these two guys she then told AR that she had a crush on him. You can only imagine that when I found this out I got extremely upset and when I confronted AR about everything she was doing and how I was comfortable with him spending so much time with her…he gave me excuses for her action. I’m sorry, but in what world is it okay for a girl to date two guys at once and then go for a third guy who is already in a relationship? You want to here the excuses? 1) She’s just trying to make everyone happy, 2) she’s been depressed so she just needs extra support, 3) she swears she broke it off with FC or was it JE that she broke up with?, 4) she didn’t realize what she was doing. We fought over this and I could deal with the fact that he would always take her side, he didn’t seem to understand how little it made me feel…how unimportant…how heartbroken it made me that my best friend, my boyfriend sided more with a cheater than he did with me. I couldn’t deal with my jealousy…I couldn’t deal with the fact that I was growing to resent him, so I ended it. I decided it was better to hurt him now than to one day hate him. I decided it was better to break both our hearts and maybe save our friendship than to loose my best friend.