Okay, so I’ve already written about this guy twice, but I was going through my room throwing things out and I found my senior prom photos and in them we’re smiling, we’re laughing. It looks like we’re having the time of our lives, and in that moment in front of the camera, we were. For the rest of that evening, lets just say it was a different story.
Senior prom had some kind of ocean theme to it, so I found this beautiful ocean blue ombre gown that I paired with natural ocean pearl jewelry (you know, the pearls that aren’t all perfectly round and polished). Putting that dress on and looking in the mirror, I almost felt like a Greek goddess, for the first time in my life there I felt beautiful. I wanted this night to be perfect since most of senior year had been hell, and for a time it was. Unlike every other dance we had gone to, AR and I planned to have dinner just the two of us. We went to this little Italian restaurant and it was almost like old times. He was focused on me, we talked, we laughed and joked around, for a moment I felt like everything was going to be okay between us. The way he looked at me, it was almost like he was seeing me for the first time. The way he looked at me, I couldn’t help but think that maybe we could fix this, maybe we could make us work out. But when we got to the dance…I was wrong.
As soon as we got there he wanted to find his friends, I mean normally that shouldn’t be a problem. Spending time with your significant other’s friends is normal, it’s just something that comes along with the relationship. Only, AR’s friends always took his attention. We found his group and immediately he became absorbed into their conversation and I, I was just an after thought. He never really looked at me when he was with his friends, not the way he did when we were alone. We didn’t dance as much as we did at junior prom, we didn’t even talk as much as we did at junior prom. Most of the night was spent with him talking with his friends and me talking with mine. One of my friends, AS talked us into going to the photo both with her and her boyfriend. AR grabbed my hand, he seemed eager to take a picture with me, happy even. In that moment in front of the camera, I was happy too. Just long enough for the pictures to be taken. After, I put on a mask. A fake smile to fool them all. By the end of the evening…after being ignored for most of it…I kinda knew that whatever we had, whatever we had felt something was wrong and there wasn’t going to be a way to fix it.
They had a photo booth at the after party as well, and this time standing in front of the camera made me want to cry. He was goofing around with me, smiling and having a great time and I could make myself do the same. I could smile but the feeling that are suppose to be behind that expression wouldn’t surface, not anymore. After the pictures he told me he loved me, and all I could do was smile. I couldn’t say the same, why did he have to say it? Why was he so happy with me when I felt like I was losing everything? Why was it that when it was just the two of us everything seemed perfect but as soon as his friends came around it was like I was invisible?
A couple days ago was national best friends day. Everyone was posting pictures talking about memories with their best friends, even AR posted pictures. I wasn’t in them because I’m not his best friend, not anymore. I’m no ones best friend, there’s no one that will post a picture of me and talk about how they couldn’t imagine having a better friend, there’s no one that thinks of me that way, is there? I’ve been in plenty of people’s pictures but I always try to avoid the camera. I never really told anyone why, but it’s mostly because when I look at them I don’t see memories. All I see is how, in that moment, that smile was a lie, that picture is a lie.