Month: December 2016

Crazy

This isn’t going to be a post about relationship advice, but it isn’t going to be about asking advice either. No, this is simply going to serve as a way for me to vent my feelings before I either explode or break down into tears out of frustration.

So past relationships have never gone very well. I’ve only been in one serious long term relationship and while I hope the one I am in now is a long term one…the longer we spend apart the more it seems he’s pulling away from me. I know I can be difficult at times. I know not everyone gets why I like play arguing. I know sometimes I push too far and frustrate him. I know some of what I do may be crazy to any other person who isn’t me. But that’s just it, as the saying goes women are crazy so you know what? I’ll own up to it, I can be crazy, I can be emotional but that’s ok. Guys can be stupid. I just have to find the amount of stupid I can deal with and he has to find the amount of crazy he is ok with.

Although I feel like his amount of stupid is okay with me, I may possibly be at a level of crazy he can’t handle…and while I know if that turns out to be true I am going to be devastated for most likely the next semester if not more, I will have to learn to live with that. The important thing is I’m trying, which is new for me. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship where I actually  want to try. Most relationships I’ve been in the past haven’t ended very well. Most of the time the guy decides I’m too frustrating or indifferent to deal with and they leave. Over the years I’ve become less trusting of people, especially guys, and I have my reasons. Only problem, those reasons are hurting me now. I’m trying to get over them, I really am. I’m just terrified it won’t be enough and somehow I will still push too far and make everything we’ve built come crashing down around me.

I know I need to talk to him about this but I can’t. At least, not yet. I don’t want to tell him over a text, it’s so…impersonal? Emotionless? You can’t tell how a person feels behind the words on the screen. When you’re standing in front of someone you can see the emotion on their face, hear the tone of their voice as the speak each word, watch their body language and see how they truly feel about whatever it is they are discussing with you. I know the longer we go without talking about it the more it destroys us, but I can’t do it. Spoken words have so much more power then written. Don’t get me wrong, written words can have power too. Like when they tell you they don’t want to talk about something because they’re having a good time and don’t want it ruined by you’re pointless worrying. Yeah, that hurts about as much as it would had they said it to your face.  But when you respond with “ok” they can’t see how much their words hurt you.

I just don’t understand how to fix this.

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Common Etiquette

Dear men of the world,

I don’t mean to sound bitchy, but I have to say this. When you’re dating a girl or even just hanging out with a female friend and it’s late at night what does common courtesy and common sense tell you to do? That’s right, walk her home.

I know in today’s world it’s not solely a man’s job to protect a woman anymore. Women can protect themselves now more than ever. I for one am perfectly capable of handling a knife and have taken more than one self-defense class. I know I can get myself from point A to point B safely if I stay alert and stay on edge the whole way there. I shouldn’t have to.

I don’t want a guy to walk me home because I’m scared someone is going to attack me along the way, I’m a fivs major, I know the odds of that happening. No, I want someone, guy or girl, to walk with me so that I don’t have to be on edge my entire way home. Like tonight for example, walking back to my dorm from the library I was carrying a pocket knife in my pocket just in case. Now, the walk is only maybe 12 minutes long, but at night that’s a long way to go by yourself. For about 9 of those minutes a somewhat questionable young man was following me, and as we drew closer to my dorm he drew closer to me. I casually pulled the knife out of my pocket and held it close to my side and he casually glanced down and jogged to the other side of the street. For all I know this young man was actually a very moral person who just happened to be walking at a faster pace than me and tried to pass me a little too close a little too late at night OR he was in fact a questionable young man who was planning on doing something to an unwitting young female until said female pulled a knife.

Normally during the day my walks to and from the library are pretty nice, tonight however was not the case. I was hanging out with 3 other people tonight, two guy and one girl. one of those guys happened to be the guy I am seeing who decided instead of study or walking me home he was going to goof off in the library until midnight. So, men of the world, the next time you’re hanging out with any woman late at night please, please walk her home so nothing happens to her. Not because it will, but because it could, and walking with her and offering her that bit of comfort and safety of not being alone along the way will be a big deal to her.

Sincerely,

A rather frightened and extremely angry erinacius

It’s Not You, It’s Them

Dear future college freshmen,

It’s not you, it’s them. You can be the best student in the world and still fail a class. You can dedicate hours to study for a test and get all the practice problems correct and still bomb a test. You can make A’s on every homework assignment and quiz the professor gives and still tank their class. It’s not you.

Professors can be assholes sometimes. They’ll give you plenty of practice problems, take you through them step-by-step, and then come test  time they’ll throw problems at you that they never covered and that were never in the textbook. Is this fair? No, absolutely not. Professors don’t have to be fair, they don’t even have to have a majority of their students passing their classes.

Sometimes you can give your all to a class and still fail it. It’s going to be okay. Maybe you’ll have to take it again with a different professor, maybe you’ll have to take it at the local community college, but I promise, it will be okay. You aren’t a bad student, you’re smarter than you think. Don’t let this one class, this one grade define who you are or how smart you are. Sometimes no matter how hard you work for a professor it just won’t be enough for them, so you know what? Forget them, there are plenty of other opportunities, plenty of other professors out there that actually want to help you.

Sincerely,

A freshmen who just bombed another Chem 101 test