Crazy

This isn’t going to be a post about relationship advice, but it isn’t going to be about asking advice either. No, this is simply going to serve as a way for me to vent my feelings before I either explode or break down into tears out of frustration.

So past relationships have never gone very well. I’ve only been in one serious long term relationship and while I hope the one I am in now is a long term one…the longer we spend apart the more it seems he’s pulling away from me. I know I can be difficult at times. I know not everyone gets why I like play arguing. I know sometimes I push too far and frustrate him. I know some of what I do may be crazy to any other person who isn’t me. But that’s just it, as the saying goes women are crazy so you know what? I’ll own up to it, I can be crazy, I can be emotional but that’s ok. Guys can be stupid. I just have to find the amount of stupid I can deal with and he has to find the amount of crazy he is ok with.

Although I feel like his amount of stupid is okay with me, I may possibly be at a level of crazy he can’t handle…and while I know if that turns out to be true I am going to be devastated for most likely the next semester if not more, I will have to learn to live with that. The important thing is I’m trying, which is new for me. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship where I actually  want to try. Most relationships I’ve been in the past haven’t ended very well. Most of the time the guy decides I’m too frustrating or indifferent to deal with and they leave. Over the years I’ve become less trusting of people, especially guys, and I have my reasons. Only problem, those reasons are hurting me now. I’m trying to get over them, I really am. I’m just terrified it won’t be enough and somehow I will still push too far and make everything we’ve built come crashing down around me.

I know I need to talk to him about this but I can’t. At least, not yet. I don’t want to tell him over a text, it’s so…impersonal? Emotionless? You can’t tell how a person feels behind the words on the screen. When you’re standing in front of someone you can see the emotion on their face, hear the tone of their voice as the speak each word, watch their body language and see how they truly feel about whatever it is they are discussing with you. I know the longer we go without talking about it the more it destroys us, but I can’t do it. Spoken words have so much more power then written. Don’t get me wrong, written words can have power too. Like when they tell you they don’t want to talk about something because they’re having a good time and don’t want it ruined by you’re pointless worrying. Yeah, that hurts about as much as it would had they said it to your face.  But when you respond with “ok” they can’t see how much their words hurt you.

I just don’t understand how to fix this.

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