I realized that I’ve been writing on here for over a year and have yet to reveal much about myself other then I’m female, in college, and like hedgehogs. I have also realized that my posts have been getting emotional and I don’t want my whole blog to be about an emotional teenager so I’m going to try something new. Once a month, or however I see fit, I’m going to post about one of my favorite things or something I like. I will try and make these posts short but since this is the first time, sorry. So, let’s go with one of my favorite quotes, yes? Now, if you don’t know where this is from, or have never seen Doctor Who, then you won’t understand why this quote is so special. Since I don’t really feel like explaining it, I will let the Doctor himself do just that.
So, at some point in your life you’ve probably heard about the five stages of [insert emotion here]. Usually they are called the five stages of grief; however, the five stages can apply to many different emotions or situations. I’m going to talk about breakups, just to make myself feel better and to let go a little more. I’m going to go ahead and say not everyone goes through all the stages and not everyone goes through the stages in the same order.
Stage 1: Denial. Immediately after the breakup it is only natural to deny that it happened. Maybe it was just a nightmare you had or a fight that then one of you said something you didn’t mean and now you’re both too hurt to talk about it. Depending on the people and whether or not they talk about what happened, this stage can last anywhere from hours to days to weeks even. Usually I skip this stage, however recently I was stuck in this stage for about a three days. It was only after the other person completely ignored any form of communication that I finally moved forward.
Stage 2: Anger. Now, anger is definitely the stage I struggle with most and definitely not my second stage. Anger is also completely okay to feel during this time, just don’t let it consume you. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for hurting you or making you waste your time with them or playing around with your emotions. It’s not okay to just hate them on principle. People can turn into jerks after a breakup which naturally just makes you angry with them. Just remember that everyone deals with breakups differently and maybe turning into a dick is their way of dealing with this situation. Usually I’m stuck in this stage for a long time, once it was about a month…so.
Stage 3: Bargaining. I don’t usually go through this stage but some people do. So, after the breakup you start to think what can I do to get them back? I could change myself, act exactly like the girlfriend/boyfriend they want. I could pray to God that he’ll open their eyes and make them miss me so much they come back. I could promise not to be so emotional, I could promise to only watch what they want to, only do things they want to, go where they want to go. Bargaining isn’t healthy, nor will it make them come back. If you have to promise to be something you’re not to have a relationship with someone then they aren’t right for you. If you have to give up on things that make you happy to make them happy, maybe you two aren’t meant to be together and this breakup will be good.
Stage 4: Depression. Okay, so usually this is my stage 2 and anger is my stage 4. Let me tell you, crying and moping around after a breakup is okay and depending on how long the relationship was the longer this stage usually lasts. However, don’t let this person cause you so much pain that you stop eating or stop talking. The breakup I just had hurt so much I didn’t eat, I didn’t want to sleep because dreams about them hurt too much. It got so bad that I got really sick, so sick to the point where I couldn’t stand up on my own. I lost 5 lbs in the course of 2 weeks. That’s not healthy in any standing. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get upset, but please don’t do what I did. If you have to make yourself eat something, get as much sleep as you can. I know the dreams hurt, but sleep is important.
Stage 5: Acceptance. It usually takes me awhile to get here. I usually hold onto my anger for so long that I almost never reach here. Let me tell you, when you finally accept that the breakup has happened and it’s time to move forward with your life, it’s freeing. Getting here took some work. I hate talking to people about how I feel, but to get here I had to. It may not seem like it at the time of the breakup, but one day you will reach here and when you do you can finally pick yourself up and move forward. Maybe once you reach here you and the other person can be friends, maybe you’ll get back together, or maybe you’ll both go your separate ways and that’s okay. Some people are only meant to be in a chapter of your life, not the whole story.
There are three phrases you probably never want to hear in a relationship, the first of which is ‘let’s break up,” the second is “I cheated” or “there’s someone else,” and the third, which emotionally is probably the worst, is “let’s take a break”.
I’m here to talk about the third. That awful phrase entails two possibilities. Possibility one: said person removes initial dagger from your heart and helps you patch up the wound and you two continue to be in a relationship and work towards resolving whatever the issue was. Possibility two…the more likely scenario…:said person shoves a first dagger into your heart because of the break and leaves it there to fester awhile before finally coming back and dealing the finishing blow with yet another dagger to the heart and a kind “we can still be friends”.
What’s bad about taking a break? Nothing I suppose…if you set terms. Are you two allowed to see other people while on said break? How long should said break last until they make a decision? Then again, what’s bad about taking a break? Everything. You know how you feel towards that person but they are now unsure so you have to sit there in patient agony hoping they don’t hurt you. If they don’t set terms then how do you know on the break if they aren’t testing out other options, how long are you suppose to wait before giving up hope and finally allowing yourself the time to cry and move on? Why couldn’t they give you a chance to fix things? They said they liked you, loved you even, but not enough to give you a chance before ripping your heart in half? You apologized, you said you’d try harder and they said they believed you…but not enough to actually stay.
So now you’re in emotional limbo. You can’t cry because the relationships over because it isn’t, but you can’t be happy because you’re together because you aren’t. So what do you do? How do you deal with losing someone you love without fully losing them? How do you show them you want to make things work you want to make things better if now they don’t want to be near you?
I know relationships aren’t meant to be about trying to change the other person. I never wanted a relationship like that. I just thought relationships were suppose to be about holding the other person’s hand, standing by encouraging them while they try and change themselves. Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought you were suppose to give the person a chance to fix something before you decided to “take a break” from each other.
demersus iratus erinacius