Month: May 2017

The Best Friend…

So, I told you in the last post that I was in love with my best friend, AR. Well, in 9th grade we actually started dating. I think the way it started was kinda cute. I was upset about not getting to go to homecoming with someone and I told AR that the person I really wanted to ask me hadn’t asked anyone yet but I didn’t think he’d ever want to go with me he asked who it was and I told him…and he kinda went quiet for a moment and said he was wanting to ask me but didn’t think I’d say yes to going with a friend. I kinda blushed I don’t remember why but we both ended up confessing to each other and going out. All of our friends were kinda shocked, some were happy for us and others didn’t really approve. AR decided that he still needed to ask me in a normal way like most people do so he put a single red rose with a black ribbon tied to it on my desk with a note that said “Will you go to homecoming with me? -A”. It was so cute, mostly because no one had ever done anything like that for me before and also because he used something from my favorite movie to ask me to a stupid school dance. Well, homecoming came around and I decided that’s when I was going to kiss AR. In 8th grade I got bored and made these things called “decision dollars” so every time someone did something good I gave them one and they could redeem them for candy and stuff and I jokingly told everyone if they got 100 they could redeem it for a kiss. So, 9th grade homecoming rolls around and I decided it would be cute if I gave him 100 decision dollars and asked if I could redeem them. He loved it, and it was probably one of the best memories I have of us that I didn’t screw up. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but like most of my relationships it didn’t work. We dated the whole fall semester and part of the spring semester and then broke up because I got angry with him and decided it wasn’t worth it. The first time we broke up it was my fault, I was jealous and he didn’t deserve that. He never deserved it.

You see, AR was friends with this one girl L. Well, L was dating two guys at once (I knew this for a fact, I had seen it with my own eyes), one of whom was a mutual friend. I found out that while L was dating these two guys she then told AR that she had a crush on him. You can only imagine that when I found this out I got extremely upset and when I confronted AR about everything she was doing and how I was comfortable with him spending so much time with her…he gave me excuses for her action. I’m sorry, but in what world is it okay for a girl to date two guys at once and then go for a third guy who is already in a relationship? You want to here the excuses? 1) She’s just trying to make everyone happy, 2) she’s been depressed so she just needs extra support, 3) she swears she broke it off with FC or was it JE that she broke up with?, 4) she didn’t realize what she was doing. We fought over this and I could deal with the fact that he would always take her side, he didn’t seem to understand how little it made me feel…how unimportant…how heartbroken it made me that my best friend, my boyfriend sided more with a cheater than he did with me. I couldn’t deal with my jealousy…I couldn’t deal with the fact that I was growing to resent him, so I ended it. I decided it was better to hurt him now than to one day hate him. I decided it was better to break both our hearts and maybe save our friendship than to loose my best friend.

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Round One and the Other Mistake

So, next came TJ in 8th grade and he was adorable. My friends and I referred to him as a teddy bear because he was cute and sweet and somehow I at 4’8 was still taller than him. Now I have to admit that I dated TJ twice, however the second time was a mistake. The first time was, better?

TJ and I met in my math class, actually we sat at the same table so we kind of got into the habit of flirting with each other which then turned into both of us having a crush on the other and then him passing me a note one day asking me out, and of course I said yes. I think this one lasted like a month. I just remember how nervous he was when he first asked to hold my hand and how after school one day I kinda just grabbed his hand and pulled him toward me and kissed him. It was my first, and his, and of course it was clumsy but it was still special. Actually, I think that may have been the only time we kissed during our one month together. I don’t really remember as to why we broke up, which is probably why I ended up dating him a second time, but I do remember that he asked me out a week after we broke up and I said no. I was hurt, or as hurt as you can be after only a month.

Okay, so the other mistake I made was dating JM in 8th grade. He had had a crush on one of my friends for a really long time so I felt kinda bad for him. I know it was not right to do this to him, but I dated him for two reasons: 1) I felt bad for the guy, 2)I was in love with my best friend who was dating another girl and I wanted to make him jealous. Bitch move, right? It all started one weekend at a lake when a bunch of friends got together to swim/kayak/sail/hangout. I was swimming and got kinda tired so of course who comes in but JM in a kayak, he helps me up and I sit in the middle between some other guy I didn’t know and JM. I’m not quite sure how he did this but he pulled me back and kissed me, I was pretty upset so I jumped out and swam back to shore. Latter I found out it was because he hadn’t had his first kiss yet and he wanted to get it over with so he saw an opportunity and took it. When he asked me out it was after an argument I had with my best friend (the one I liked), so to get back at him I said yes to JM. I should have said no. This relationship was doomed from the start, my fault mostly, but JM was really possessive and tried to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I don’t think I ever really liked him as anything other than a friend at any point in the relationship, which I know is bad. You don’t start a relationship with someone unless you’re absolutely sure you have feelings for them.

My Regrets

Ok, so everyone has relationships they regret, I have several in which I never should have been in for obvious reasons you will soon find out. The next couple of posts I still don’t really consider to be real relationships though I will still include them.

So, my first major regret was in 7th grade with BB. I didn’t like him, like I had no feelings for this guy what-so-ever. Actually, I liked his friend DH but DH kinda talked me into dating his friend. When I was talking to DH I was completely convinced that he was going to ask me out and then all of the sudden he introduced his friend BB who then asked me out and I was in such a state of shock and disappointment that for whatever reason I said yes. I shouldn’t have. I should have let him down easy and gotten over DH. I mean, I had just said yes to dating a guy that before today I had never known existed. So, this relationship lasted all of like 2 weeks before I finally had to just tell the guy the truth. He of course told me I was a bitch for ever saying yes and that I deserved to be alone for the rest of my life, and maybe he was right. What I did was wrong, I should have told him from the start instead of dragging him along for 2 weeks. I’m sorry BB, but you know what, you were kind of a jerk to so maybe you deserved it as well.

After BB I had a second lapse in judgement with J (I can’t remember his last name and honestly I don’t want to). J rode my bus in 7th grade and he seemed really funny and nice, only after we started “dating” he went from being humerus funny to bat-crap-crazy where he that all of his actions were funny but everyone else didn’t. I think this relationship lasted about as long as the last one, I put up with him throwing things at me and taking my stuff and calling me names for about 2 weeks before I finally just ended it. He said I couldn’t take a joke. Well you know what J, I can take a joke, only yours weren’t funny.

ZB and the Technical First

So, since I’m being honest and going through everything I have to include the guys that technically claimed the title of boyfriend at the time, even if I don’t really consider them real relationships.

I moved to a new country, new town, new school, in 5th grade. Everything was okay, only by 6th grade I still didn’t have very many friends. So, as you can imagine when the semi-cute guy (ZB) from your math class starts flirting with you and then tells you he likes you, how else could I have reacted? I was ecstatic. When ZB finally asked me out I immediately said yes which, looking back now, I shouldn’t have. I didn’t really have feelings for this guy and both of us were too young to actually be in a relationship beyond friendship, which was what or “relationship” basically was. We rode the same bus home so we’d sit together and talk, after about a week of “dating” we finally held hands. I don’t really remember how long this relationship lasted, probably like a month, at most 2 months, which for two 6th graders that’s a long time.

No, what I do remember is the zoo trip, I was so excited because ZB and I had been put into a group together which meant I got to spend more than the 50 minutes with him in math and 30 minutes with him on the bus. Only, this trip was probably the worst school trip little 6th grade me would ever go on. The entire hour long bus ride to the zoo ZB ignored me and instead talked to this other girl in our group, and at the zoo…he walked with her, at lunch he sat at my table but never said a word, and on the bus ride home I was by myself. It was the beginning of the end; two weeks before my birthday and before the start of summer vacation he told me, in a letter, that we “had to break up because we wouldn’t make it through the summer.” Of course 6th grade me was heartbroken, the first guy to ever tell me he liked me had just dumped me. It wasn’t all bad though, while I mopped around for the next week in school my math teacher took notice. He pulled me aside after class one day and asked me what was wrong so I told him, and you know what, he gave me some of the best advice anyone has given me about a breakup.

One day you’ll look back on this relationship, on this breakup, and you won’t remember the pain, you won’t remember how he hurt you or how you cried, heck you may not even remember the name of the guy that did this to you. What you will remember is the friends that helped you get through it, you’ll remember the fun you had with the guy and how your first crush felt, and one day you’ll look back and you’ll laugh, wondering how you could have thought that your world ended when you were only 11.

First There Was B…

The person I would consider being my first “crush” would have to be my 3rd grade best friend B (I don’t really remember his last name, sorry). We met on the school bus, the first day of school to be exact. He was already sitting when I got on and fate would have it he was also the only empty seat, or I guess the only empty seat that would let me sit next to him. I don’t remember much about B except that I was in 3rd grade and he was in 2nd. Our relationship was that of a schoolyard crush, the ones where you pretend to get married at recess or tell your parents that one day he/she is going to be your spouse, only we actually believed it. I remember on my birthday B giving me a little box with one of those $5 or less cubic zirconia rings that turn your finger green, I tried it on and it was to big but that didn’t matter I still told everyone B was my fiance and that he bought me the best ring that money could buy. After that birthday though, everything fell apart. We got into a huge fight over another friend I had on the school bus and he stopped talking to me, then he made more friends in his 3rd grade class and I finally made some friends going into 4th grade and we drifted apart. Finally one day I went to his house to apologize for everything and he was gone, him and his family had moved and he never told me. I should have apologized to you sooner B, it was a stupid thing to fight about but in the 3rd grade having anyone who wanted to be my friend was a big deal for me. I don’t remember much about B, but I do remember how much it hurt to know I would never see him again and that one day he probably wouldn’t even remember me. I mean, the only thing I have to remember him by is a cheap CZ ring that is now to small for me to wear.

Explanations

Okay, so I haven’t written a post in a really long time and recently I have been thinking a lot on past relationships. You know, just reminiscing in the, well I don’t know if you’d call them good ole days but yeah, just reminiscing. Trying to think everything out in my head is getting really confusing and tough so I’m going to try and chronicle my somewhat boring romantic life and try and say what I probably should have said to each of these guys but never did and most likely never will. This is mostly for myself, if you want to read you can.

Sincerely,

Iratus Erinacius

P.S.- I’m going to be using initials and if I don’t remember their last name I’ll just use their first initial…sorry

I Wrote a Thing…

I am writing this in response to something a former teacher of mine had write for his class. I am going to try and so this as best I can, so here it goes.

Dear teachers,

You are so important. I know as I student we can be difficult, we can be psychopathic monsters and we can be angels. We have our days, and although we never realize it, you have your days as well. As a student, I know we complain. I can’t tell you the number of times I looked at a math problem and thought “why do I have to learn this? When am I ever going to have to know how to find the hypotenuse distance between a lighthouse and the ground?” I know you told me the art project was supposed to be fauvism and I fought you tooth and nail to make a normal landscape, I know when you gave us a group project you knew how much we hate them and tried to make it fun and easy. I know we hurt you, and I’m sorry.

Let me say this again, you are SO important. It is because of all the teachers I’ve had over the years that I am where I am today. I tried to be a good student, and I know I wasn’t always. I know on some days I added to your stress, I acted like a child when I should have acted like an adult. Looking back now I see how many sacrifices you make for each and every one of us, sacrifices we as students took for granted. You gave up sleep and sanity for us and we took it for granted. I know now that everything you did, even as unfair as it seemed at the time, you did for us. Your strict rules in class, your tough quizzes and test, all the stupid group projects and in class participation…wasn’t stupid or pointless like I thought.

I’m going to admit something I’ve never told anyone. Walking off the stage after graduation and seeing all the teachers I had the past four years standing there, waiting for me…I wanted to cry, and I rarely cry. I loved all of you so much, each of you helped me and changed me so much, and I never thanked you. I never really took the chance to tell you how much each and every one of you meant to me. I never bothered to think about how any of you felt at the end of the day, I never even considered how my indifference or boredom in your class might hurt you. I promise I never meant to, I promise that it wasn’t you. I loved each and every single one of you. My indifference, my boredom, my sadness and pain and anger were never geared toward you and if it ever felt that way I’m sorry.

You are important. Don’t let any student make you feel differently. You may never realize how you changed our lives, or even saved our lives, but you did. We learn right from wrong from our parents, we learn social interactions from our friends, but everything else, we get from you. A teacher is the one who taught me how to tie my shoes, a teacher was the one who comforted me when the kids I thought were my friends became my tormentors, a teacher was the one that helped me make new friends when I was the new kid in school, a teacher was the one who helped me through my first heartbreak, and a teacher was the one who noticed I was thinking of hurting myself. Everything I am, everything I know how to do is because of some teacher I had sometime during my life. You have more of an impact than you will ever know, please don’t ever forget that.

Sincerely,

A very grateful student

P.S. If there are any errors in here I am sorry, its 2 am so I’m tired. One thing I did not learn from a teacher is normally sleeping patterns.