The Best Friend…Again

So, you know how you’re suppose to learn from the past or learn from your mistakes? Yeah well, turns out I’m really bad at that so. AR and I started dating again in 10th grade. Everything was fine for awhile. We were having fun, we were acting like a normal couple, a happy couple. Until I found out AR and L were still friends. I got jealous again, but I was learning to get over it. I trusted him, more than anyone. I knew my best friend would never do anything to hurt me. But he did, not intentionally of course, but he hurt me.

I loved spending time with him at first, it didn’t even matter if we were talking, we could just be sitting there in perfect silence and I was happy. Then it got to the point where we would only ever spend time at school together, with his friends and that was fine. They didn’t talk much to me or listen when I talked to them, but AR talked to me and tried to include me in things…for awhile. By the time senior year came around we were together but not really. I would go and sit with him and his friends in the morning and no one would talk to me, even AR wouldn’t really talk to me. Don’t get me wrong, I would try and talk to them, to him, but no one would listen. I was being excluded and it hurt. I know he never meant to do it intentionally, but he still did it. By senior year of high school I was really depressed, and I took it out on him. I was angry or upset with him all the time and I never knew why. I was annoyed that he never got angry with me, I was angry that he stopped telling me things that were going on in his life, I was hurt that he stopped smiling when he was around me, that he stopped laughing around me.

I withdrew into myself and away from him, but our relationship failing wasn’t all his fault. The feeling of your best friend, your boyfriend, not wanting to be around you anymore is a terrible feeling. Even if it wasn’t true, it’s all I could ever think about. Everyday I would look in the mirror and all I could see was a person who no one want, who no one cared about. I tried to hurt myself several times, I just wanted everything to stop, I wanted to go back to when we were friends, back to when we were both happy and I knew at least one person on this planet cared if I was still on it. I wanted everything to be the way it was so bad, I stopped doing things that made us a couple. I wouldn’t kiss him, I wouldn’t hold his hand or hug him. I wanted him to notice something was wrong…but he didn’t, or if he did he never said anything.

Don’t get me wrong, our relationship had some good moments, like junior prom. That’s one of my happiest memories of high school, dancing with my best friend, seeing the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, hearing him laugh when I 11146347_844816632256396_7983217883014002204_otripped over my floor-length dress. I still have the Animal Crossing present he used to ask me to prom, I just can’t seem to part with it. Or sophomore year, when my grandfather passed away. AR was the first person I told, and he was the only one I cried in front of. He walked with me to all of my teachers before school when I had to ask them to take finals early because I had to go to a funeral. Or going to comic-con as Link and Princess Zelda, he knew I hated standing in front of people but somehow he convinced me to enter the costume contest with him and we actually won best homemade costumes. I was so embarrassed but he still managed to make it fun.

I know I suck at communicating my feelings with people, I shut down and I shut him out. That’s my fault, but he didn’t communicate with me either. He never told me if anything was ever bothering him. We stopped talking for awhile after it ended. We’re getting better now, but things still aren’t back to normal. In all honesty I don’t think they’ll ever be back to normal. I wish they could be, I miss my friend.

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