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The Five Stages

So, at some point in your life you’ve probably heard about the five stages of [insert emotion here]. Usually they are called the five stages of grief; however, the five stages can apply to many different emotions or situations. I’m going to talk about breakups, just to make myself feel better and to let go a little more. I’m going to go ahead and say not everyone goes through all the stages and not everyone goes through the stages in the same order.

Stage 1: Denial. Immediately after the breakup it is only natural to deny that it happened. Maybe it was just a nightmare you had or a fight that then one of you said something you didn’t mean and now you’re both too hurt to talk about it. Depending on the people and whether or not they talk about what happened, this stage can last anywhere from hours to days to weeks even. Usually I skip this stage, however recently I was stuck in this stage for about a three days. It was only after the other person completely ignored any form of communication that I finally moved forward.

Stage 2: Anger. Now, anger is definitely the stage I struggle with most and definitely not my second stage. Anger is also completely okay to feel during this time, just don’t let it consume you. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for hurting you or making you waste your time with them or playing around with your emotions. It’s not okay to just hate them on principle. People can turn into jerks after a breakup which naturally just makes you angry with them. Just remember that everyone deals with breakups differently and maybe turning into a dick is their way of dealing with this situation. Usually I’m stuck in this stage for a long time, once it was about a month…so.

Stage 3: Bargaining. I don’t usually go through this stage but some people do. So, after the breakup you start to think what can I do to get them back? I could change myself, act exactly like the girlfriend/boyfriend they want. I could pray to God that he’ll open their eyes and make them miss me so much they come back. I could promise not to be so emotional, I could promise to only watch what they want to, only do things they want to, go where they want to go. Bargaining isn’t healthy, nor will it make them come back. If you have to promise to be something you’re not to have a relationship with someone then they aren’t right for you. If you have to give up on things that make you happy to make them happy, maybe you two aren’t meant to be together and this breakup will be good.

Stage 4: Depression. Okay, so usually this is my stage 2 and anger is my stage 4. Let me tell you, crying and moping around after a breakup is okay and depending on how long the relationship was  the longer this stage usually lasts. However, don’t let this person cause you so much pain that you stop eating or stop talking. The breakup I just had hurt so much I didn’t eat, I didn’t want to sleep because dreams about them hurt too much. It got so bad that I got really sick, so sick to the point where I couldn’t stand up on my own. I lost 5 lbs in the course of 2 weeks. That’s not healthy in any standing. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get upset, but please don’t do what I did. If you have to make yourself eat something, get as much sleep as you can. I know the dreams hurt, but sleep is important.

Stage 5: Acceptance. It usually takes me awhile to get here. I usually hold onto my anger for so long that I almost never reach here. Let me tell you, when you finally accept that the breakup has happened and it’s time to move forward with your life, it’s freeing. Getting here took some work. I hate talking to people about how I feel, but to get here I had to. It may not seem like it at the time of the breakup, but one day you will reach here and when you do you can finally pick yourself up and move forward. Maybe once you reach here you and the other person can be friends, maybe you’ll get back together, or maybe you’ll both go your separate ways and that’s okay. Some people are only meant to be in a chapter of your life, not the whole story.

The Third

There are three phrases you probably never want to hear in a relationship, the first of which is ‘let’s break up,” the second is “I cheated” or “there’s someone else,” and the third, which emotionally is probably the worst, is “let’s take a break”.

I’m here to talk about the third. That awful phrase entails two possibilities. Possibility one: said person removes initial dagger from your heart and helps you patch up the wound and you two continue to be in a relationship and work towards resolving whatever the issue was. Possibility two…the more likely scenario…:said person shoves a first dagger into your heart because of the break and leaves it there to fester awhile before finally coming back and dealing the finishing blow with yet another dagger to the heart and a kind “we can still be friends”.

What’s bad about taking a break? Nothing I suppose…if you set terms. Are you two allowed to see other people while on said break? How long should said break last until they make a decision? Then again, what’s bad about taking a break? Everything. You know how you feel towards that person but they are now unsure so you have to sit there in patient agony hoping they don’t hurt you. If they don’t set terms then how do you know on the break if they aren’t testing out other options, how long are you suppose to wait before giving up hope and finally allowing yourself the time to cry and move on? Why couldn’t they give you a chance to fix things? They said they liked you, loved you even, but not enough to give you a chance before ripping your heart in half? You apologized, you said you’d try harder and they said they believed you…but not enough to actually stay.

So now you’re in emotional limbo. You can’t cry because the relationships over because it isn’t, but you can’t be happy because you’re together because you aren’t. So what do you do? How do you deal with losing someone you love without fully losing them? How do you show them you want to make things work you want to make things better if now they don’t want to be near you?

I know relationships aren’t meant to be about trying to change the other person. I never wanted a relationship like that. I just thought relationships were suppose to be about holding the other person’s hand, standing by encouraging them  while they try and change themselves. Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought you were suppose to give the person a chance to fix something before you decided to “take a break” from each other.

Sincerely,

demersus iratus erinacius

Crazy

This isn’t going to be a post about relationship advice, but it isn’t going to be about asking advice either. No, this is simply going to serve as a way for me to vent my feelings before I either explode or break down into tears out of frustration.

So past relationships have never gone very well. I’ve only been in one serious long term relationship and while I hope the one I am in now is a long term one…the longer we spend apart the more it seems he’s pulling away from me. I know I can be difficult at times. I know not everyone gets why I like play arguing. I know sometimes I push too far and frustrate him. I know some of what I do may be crazy to any other person who isn’t me. But that’s just it, as the saying goes women are crazy so you know what? I’ll own up to it, I can be crazy, I can be emotional but that’s ok. Guys can be stupid. I just have to find the amount of stupid I can deal with and he has to find the amount of crazy he is ok with.

Although I feel like his amount of stupid is okay with me, I may possibly be at a level of crazy he can’t handle…and while I know if that turns out to be true I am going to be devastated for most likely the next semester if not more, I will have to learn to live with that. The important thing is I’m trying, which is new for me. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship where I actually  want to try. Most relationships I’ve been in the past haven’t ended very well. Most of the time the guy decides I’m too frustrating or indifferent to deal with and they leave. Over the years I’ve become less trusting of people, especially guys, and I have my reasons. Only problem, those reasons are hurting me now. I’m trying to get over them, I really am. I’m just terrified it won’t be enough and somehow I will still push too far and make everything we’ve built come crashing down around me.

I know I need to talk to him about this but I can’t. At least, not yet. I don’t want to tell him over a text, it’s so…impersonal? Emotionless? You can’t tell how a person feels behind the words on the screen. When you’re standing in front of someone you can see the emotion on their face, hear the tone of their voice as the speak each word, watch their body language and see how they truly feel about whatever it is they are discussing with you. I know the longer we go without talking about it the more it destroys us, but I can’t do it. Spoken words have so much more power then written. Don’t get me wrong, written words can have power too. Like when they tell you they don’t want to talk about something because they’re having a good time and don’t want it ruined by you’re pointless worrying. Yeah, that hurts about as much as it would had they said it to your face.  But when you respond with “ok” they can’t see how much their words hurt you.

I just don’t understand how to fix this.

Travel Etiquette

Okay, so recently I went on a group trip to Europe with a bunch of girls (ages 14-19) I had never met before. While most of them were wonderful people, two of them were rather…how do I put this nicely, extremely inexperienced travels. So, I thought I would try and politely write some tips for traveling in groups. So here we go.

  1. If doing a lot of walking or outdoor activities on your trip that cause you to sweat, make sure you shower!
    • This was a 14 day long trip and one of the girls only showered 3 times. We were walking about 6 miles a day and sweating a lot.
  2. If you are sharing a room with someone and want to talk to family members back home, don’t do it at 3 am, especially if you have to get up at 6.
  3. If you know members of your group are religious, don’t constantly make comments like “I don’t understand why you believe ______, it’s all nonsense anyway” or “why are you giving them money? It’s all just going to help the stupid church anyway”
  4. If there is a picky eater in the group, don’t ask them “are you actually going to eat that?” every time they buy food.
  5. Don’t randomly slip “Oh, that reminds me of the time I tried to kill myself” into almost every conversation.
  6. You can’t make friends with or please everyone, so don’t act all bitchy toward the whole group if one person doesn’t like you.
  7. Don’t apologize for something and then go back to doing whatever it is you apologized for.
  8. Don’t ask everyone else in the group how much they’ve spent/plan to spend on gifts/souvenirs/food
  9. If given a food that is usually eaten with a fork and knife, use them! Don’t eat your food with your fingers unless you’re suppose to.
  10. Also, don’t steal other people’s food unless they have offered it to you.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t super polite in all of this and some…probably more, of my tips are a bit sarcastic but these are all based off of things that actually happened on the trip.

Some Cliché Travel Title

So, I said I was going to try and keep up with my blog and since I’m going on my senior trip maybe I should write about it.

As of 4pm today I am leaving the United States and headed over to London, Paris, Lucerne, Florence and Rome. I can’t wait to explore, however since I don’t know any of the people I’m going with, this should be an interesting trip.

I may try and post while on the trip if I have free wifi, if not I’ll write more after so until then, bye for now.

Dear College Board,

All I wanted to do was check my Ap test scores. I typed in my username and password, ready to find out if I could skip Economics and Government in college. I clicked the enter button with anticipation and then…”we’re sorry but this username does not match any in our system”. Okay…so I go to forgot username, enter my email…”we’re sorry, but this email does not match any in our system.”

Now I think, okay maybe I accidentally closed the account. So, I can just make a new one, right? Wrong. I entered in all my information, used the same email and you let me make a new account. Only, when I went to get my test scores you wouldn’t let me because the “Ap number is linked with a different account and I must use that account to access my scores”.

Incomes an email with the same username I tried the first time. Okay, maybe I used the wrong password, so now I go to forgot my password only to be told that the “username” they just told me to use to get my score doesn’t exist and the email address is not in their system.

Well you know what college board, I’m happy this is the last time I need you. You were never helpful anyway.

Sincerely,

A Very Angry Freshmen

Dear Future Me…

So, it’s been awhile my 8 faithful followers; as the title suggests this is a letter to my future self. I’ve decided that with everything that is going on right now, I should write myself some advice…just in case something like this happens again.

Dear Future self,

So, you’re a teenager right now, and as a teenager you are almost obligated to write somewhere online about your relationships. So here’s mine.

Don’t date your best friend. It sounds like a great idea, right? They know everything about you, they love you despite all your flaws, they’ve been with you through everything, they sound like the perfect partner, right? Well, in theory yes. Your best friend could be your perfect partner…for a time. But what do you do when it ends? You not only just lost your boyfriend, you lost your best friend.

Who do you go to now with your problems? Who do you call when you want to watch a movie? Or cry to because your parents are putting so much pressure on you. Who do you turn to when you’ve just ended a four year relationship? Your best friend? You can’t, they were the one you just ended that four year relationship with, remember?

So then, remind yourself why you did it. Confess and maybe, just maybe somehow they’ll see this one day and understand. I did it because I stopped feeling. I mean that literally, I look at the people around me and I feel nothing. I did it because I couldn’t stand having you look at me with eyes full of love, eyes full admiration when I myself looked at you and couldn’t return those feelings. I tried, I kept up the lie. I kept replying to your “I love you”s with “I know…I…love you too”. How could I lie to my best friend? The whole point in being in any relationship is honesty, and I was lying to you. I couldn’t look at myself some mornings, I didn’t want to get up. But how do you hurt your best friend?

You do it by deciding that breaking their heart is better than letting them live a lie. Please, don’t do what I did. Don’t lie to the ones you love. It’s not only painful for you, but it’s torture for them.

Sincerely,

The liar