Home..

I moved to Texas in 2008, and I cried every night for the first 6 months.

I’ve lived here for 12 years and I’ve always felt like an outsider. I never thought of this place as home. But then again, I never understood what home really was.

I used to consider Okinawa as my home. It’s where I was born. It’s where I spent the first half of my life. It’s one of the only places I felt like myself and where I felt I belonged.

Then I had to move to Texas and suddenly home was just where I lived. Everyone here seemed like they’d known each other their whole lives and I felt like a stranger trying to catch up in a race I started 10 years too late. I felt out of place here. I was too serious for most kids but too young for anyone older. I was too distant to really make friends and too proud to admit when I needed to rely on the friends I had. I was traumatized so I built walls to keep everyone away so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain or shame.

Then I met tadpole and suddenly my home was a person. My home was wafts of lavender and late night phone calls. My home was 14 hour car rides and hugs took 4 months to arrive. It was finally being able to step back into my skin and feel comfortable. It was finally being able to smile and mean it. But this home was also built of empty promises and staged performances. I never should have put my heart in a person that built themselves for me, who didn’t know how to be a friend unless there was an incentive for them.

So for almost a year I’ve lived alone. I decided I didn’t need a home or even care what a home was.

I move in 3 days…and I was so excited. I was excited to get out of this stupid town in this stupid state that thinks it’s so much better than anything else. I wanted a new adventure with new people. I knew I’d miss my friends and family…but I didn’t think it would really hit me until after I moved.

My home is my friends and family. My home is wherever they are. My home is in A’s dorky smile. My home is in AS’s hyperactive attitude. It’s in ML’s stupid sarcastic comments and AG passive nature. It’s in DG’s joking and MG’s kindness. It’s in my parents’ love and support. Without them…I feel torn between the future I want and who I am with them. I know this isn’t goodbye, it’s just a “see you later” but somehow it just feels so permanent…