I’ve always had a problem connecting with people…I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like, for lack of a better comparison, an alien walking among a species they’ve never met before. I’ve always felt like an outsider…in my friend groups…in my family. I know I’m not the warmest person…physical contact has always made me feel weird…or uncomfortable. So…it makes people think I’m cold.
But…I find myself wondering again…am I just inherently unlikable?
It isn’t the first time that I’ve been told someone didn’t like me…it’s not the first time I’ve had someone be two faced to me…or disingenuous.
I think the first time, or at least the first time I remember, was 3rd grade…walking in on my two “best friends” making fun of me in front of the entire class…and then finding out a few months later that two girls in my neighborhood only played with me because they liked the toys I had…but didn’t like me.
Normally…I just brush it off. Why does it matter what they think? It’s not like their opinions matter, it’s not even like I’ll ever see them again. But…what do you do when someone who will probably be in your life for the next 30+ years doesn’t like you…
I thought everything was fine…she didn’t seem angry or annoyed or like she disliked me. I noticed she talked a little less to me, but I thought it was just because she was tired due to health reasons…
But…what do you do when the mom of you significant other no longer likes you because of something that happened in a card game 6 months ago…
I don’t even know what I did…I’m not a competitive person. I don’t particularly care if I win or lose as long as the game was fair. So…I know I wasn’t being competitive…but apparently she thought I was?
I played a game…and now she doesn’t like me? Is there just something about me that is inherently dislikable? Do I just give off some kind of energy that people decide they hate?
Or is there something more fundamentally wrong with me…am I such an outsider…such a freak that people just don’t want to be around me?
It’s moments like this that just…make my mind wander to places I don’t like it going…like…if I’m apparently so easily disliked…if there’s something so fundamentally wrong with me…is it better for everyone if I just…disappear? If I didn’t exist…would it be easier…for everyone else…
If there are so many people that decide they don’t like me for no reason…or for such minor reasons….then…are the people who “do” like me…is it just an act? The more I think about it…the more I feel like I can’t breath…or think about anything else…
I’m not even supposed to know…but…it’s all I can think about…what did I do? What did I do…why doesn’t she like me? If she doesn’t like me…will he eventually not like me either…will he eventually have to pick? Or…will he just start noticing the things she doesn’t like…until that’s all he can see in me…
iratus erinacius 